Puzzle pieces of God's intricate plan

          God has this plan. He knows every detail. We have learned, while we might know the plan ourselves, to listen to God and trust his plan. We had no idea why God was calling us to move to Tennessee. That was never in "our" plans, but it was in God's. We took a leap of faith, moving our family to a place where we had no friends or family, no jobs, and God took care of us. AJ's work let him work from home, my work let me transfer. That was a confirmation we were doing the right thing. We found a church in Tennessee. Not long after we started going there, a family from Colorado moved to Clarksville. They started going to 180 church too. Two and a half years later that family, the Jorden family, invited us on a mission to Uganda! So, we finally found out why we were taken to Tennessee. We had started homeschooling our kids before the invite. We couldn't use online curriculum because AJ needed the computer for work. We found out we were going to be homeschooling in Uganda, and it would be book curriculum because the lack of electricity. So we found out that was one of the puzzle pieces.
       We sold everything we had, besides a plot of land, and moved our family to Uganda. We had no clue what to expect. What would daily life look like? Would we be welcomed?How would the kids adjust? Would they make friends? What if calls us to stay longer than a year? There were TONS of questions. The questions we did not have were: is God calling us here? Will God take care of us? What if God doesn't want us to stay a full year? We fully trusted God in our calling, we knew he would take care of us. What we didn't even think of was what if he doesn't call us to stay a year. We were confident in thinking he called us for a minimum of a year. After I ruptured my back I wasn't sure what God had in his plans. At first I felt like I deviated from the plan. What if though, his plan was to call us...for us to completely trust him? What if he really wanted us to only stay a month, as we did?
       I was really sad at leaving. God gave us confirmation this was his plan, just as he did with moving to Tennessee.  Two days before our flight was leaving, AJ was trying to connect to the Internet, but kept getting a connection error. Not two minutes after his last try,  A Skype message came through from one of his old coworkers. They asked how our mission was going. AJ told them it was actually ending and we would be home in two days. The coworker then instructed AJ to come in on Monday and get his job back. So before we even left Uganda, we had the security of knowing he had a job. What a puzzle piece!
       When we got back I went to see a specialist. Although the specialist in Uganda said I needed surgery right away or I could become paralyzed, the specialist here said that it wasn't quite as bad as they thought. I still might need surgery, but I can try other options first.  I feel like it was God's plan for the specialist in Uganda to tell me it was that serious, otherwise I would not have left. God knew what it was going to take to get us to come home. I firmly believe that it was his plan for us to come home after only one month. I know it wasn't my plan!
       While I don't know his plan, I fully trust it. I know it might take  months, years, possibly more than that, to find out what his plan is. He will reveal it in his time. I can't always see how these puzzle pieces fit together, or what the end picture will look like, but I can rest knowing he does! We are praying for God to guide us to what we are supposed to do next. I do know Uganda is another puzzle piece in this big picture. I'm glad he sent us. I'm glad for the time we got there. I'm glad we listened to his calling us. This experience has forever changed me.
     I can't wait for more puzzle pieces!

I can't even keep one house clean...let alone two!

So last Friday we got a call from our new landlord. She said "If you like you may move in early. You can start today." Total surprise considering we weren't supposed to start till Wed. So we started. To my surprise the apartment was filthy. Which, whatever....even though she did have almost a month, and I did have to pay $600.00 deposit. Whatever. It is a place secured. So as we are moving every time I go down State street I see this homeless man. I kept telling myself we will stop next run. Well, finally after all day, at 7:30 pm I see him again. I tell AJ and we agree to pull over. AJ got out and approached him. "Hey buddy, are you hungry?" he asked the weathered old man with a bed roll and a bag of clothes. "Yeah, I'm starving he replied." So AJ proceeded to ask him if we could buy him dinner. His reply was "No, I am on a special diet." Now, we could have chalked it up to the fact that maybe he just wants cash to blow...but AJ and I gave him a $5.00 bill anyway. He told AJ about how he was there because his grandmother won a settlement in the 60's for a bunch of land but they are still fighting the government to get it. We left wishing we could have done more for the man. I see him on that same street everyday.

Anyway, so the past three days I have been bringing AJ to work and stopping at the old house trying to finish packing the ODDS and ENDS...aka leftover crap we have no idea what to do with. Then I realize, despite the major overlap in houses, time is ticking and it is Thurs and we are supposed to be done Sun. So now I am trying to pack, finish laundry before we move the washer and dryer, and clean. I am still trying to clean the new apartment from the last tenants! I can't unpack my kitchen till the new one is clean and the houses are 30 miles apart. It makes for getting both done a little harder. It is getting done slowly though.

On top of that I called the gas people the other day and asked if they could have their guy check my fireplace out and light the pilots on my furnace and hot water heater. They said they no longer do that and now you have to call a "qualified individual" in to do it. So that is gonna cost me right? Should the landlord supply me with this "individual'? I hope that is how it works.

We were supposed to sign our lease last Fri, but when we got there, she couldn't find it. She said she would be out of town but call her husband on Tues and he will have it. Well Tue he was on his way to Cali. So he said Thurs (today) so hopefully when AJ gets off we can have them do a walk through. We have no electricity in our bedroom. Seeing as how we don't usually get home till night, we can't unpack it. We thought it was the ceiling fan/ light fixture so we went to Lowe's and bought a $60.00 lamp and yeah hi....no plugs work.

I keep telling myself "It's a secure place and at least I have somewhere for my baby to sleep." and "It's only for a year....NO MATTER WHAT we are going to make it to Ca next year!"

So now I just have to take it day by day, and today I need to try to get two houses clean :)

Farm Life

So I realized that this is the last week of farm life for Story. At least until next year when we move to California. So I decided to take a few last pics of Story and her FAVORITE animal on the farm....the donkey. She says it is a girl and her name is MR. Donkey. I was going to load a picture but it keeps giving me an error message. Anyway, she enjoys seeing and talking to this poor donkey on a regular basis. She is probably the only person that interacts with him, and so, she has created a bond. She gets out and calls him and he will come out of the inside pen to see her. If there are cows in the way he will push them aside to get to her. When she leaves, he will walk along the fence as far as he can beside her, then sit and watch her go. I don't know who I feel worse for. Her or the donkey. Inside I feel sad because I know that she will miss this. I will miss this for her. This is a way of life I did not grow up with and I think it is awesome.
    Aside from "her" donkey, she gets to see cows, and horses quite a bit. She enjoys everyday driving slow past the baby horses and saying hi to them, watching them play and hide behind their moms. This...I WILL MISS. So goes it with closing one chapter and writing another. Someday I will give her this way farm life again.

two weeks..and then it's curtains....

We have two weeks till we say goodbye (forever) to this house. I am so excited. I feel like a kid at Christmas. We have a new nest of birds in our bedroom wall...again, and they are right by the head of our bed....and LOUD. My dog has been getting out lately and every time he does, he goes to the farm and rolls in a big steaming pile of horse poop. The flies are starting to get bad (when it isn't raining). It has been pretty cold this last week and the heater (surprise surprise) doesn't work...again.

I'm glad I will be able to work out in my living room again. Right now we are scared to because the floors are uneven and our TV shakes! There are tons of things I did not include in my letter to this house that AJ was bringing up to me...mink that ran up on us and got scared/ chased by the dogs, screamed bloody murder, then proceeded to spray....that was actually kinda funny now that I think about it. There are many things wrong with this house that make me so excited to leave. On the other hand...I think, this was our first real place as a married couple. I can't count the "igloo" house we WERE going to buy, but only stayed 6 months. That does not count since it was hardly a house. Now that I think about it...it seems as if a major requirement for "our" houses is "Heat must not work several months out of the year", house must be uneven (the first one...I could push the wall and it moved!), must smell, must have plumbing issues, must have inconsiderate neighbors. We have bad luck with homes. Hopefully we got a winner this time.

Back to the issue..we have been married almost 6 years and we have lived here for almost three. This is the longest we have lived somewhere. Story was just under a year when we moved in here. Aside from the long list of things I will not miss, I am a little sad to go. We have had a lot of firsts here. I think the main thing is fear of the unknown. This house sucks, but I know it sucks, I know it's quirks. I know the landlords...I know not to bug them or I will be told I can get out. I don't however, know the new landlords. I don't know what quirks the new apartment will bring. Hopefully it is nice and there are not many issues at all. (In a perfect world haha)

So it is two weeks. Two weeks to goodbye. Two  weeks to a new chapter. Two weeks to the unknown. Two weeks. Fourteen days. Two weeks to "Christmas". Not too much longer now....

I'm not homeless!

So we have been talking, for a few weeks, to our only housing option. After tons of calls and looking at places there was only one place here in Utah that became an option for our family.  So she has been waiting for other offers, not wanting to hold the place a month for us to give our current landlord 30 days notice (not uncommon).  After talking to many, we realized NO ONE will wait for you. So we took a leap of faith and gave our notice without having a place to go.  Anyway, so we have been talking to this lady. She has been telling me she was still waiting but we are first on the list. Well, then throughout the last week and a half I have been trying to contact her to see if it has been rented or not. Sometimes she doesn’t answer and she never calls back. We were feeling pretty anxious today, thinking if we have to move to Ca. now, we need to know now, so we can prepare for the long trip and how to get our stuff there.

I decided to text her today and ask if there was any news. She said she was going to talk to her husband when he got home at six. At seven (I am impatient at this point) I text her back to see if she had talked to him. She said her husband said yes…if we had the deposit and can bring it by. Well that was 7:30 by the time she replied. AJ gets paid tomorrow so I had to ask if tomorrow was fine. No answer. So I call her finally at 8:00 and she said she didn’t get the text but tomorrow was fine. So now we know we got the apartment. We know we won’t be worrying about it for the next two weeks.  We know what the plan is. This is huge amounts of relief off of us.  It wouldn’t have been so bad, but with a three year old you want to know where you are going to live.

I was really torn on what god wanted us to do. I kept praying that if we were supposed to go to Ca. if he would just make it impossible to stay. I was starting to think it was what we were supposed to do since we only found one place suitable (size, pets, and price). Then when the lady wouldn’t just let us pay a deposit at first and didn’t answer or call back, I was really beginning to wonder.  We wanted to stay because we want one more year to fix our credit, and pay down debt so when we do go to Ca. we can buy a house. God is good. As scary as it was, I kept thinking “It’s going to be okay, god provides, he always does.”  And two weeks before we have to leave this house, God opened a door for us!!! It is amazing how things work out!

SO now I can definitely say “I am not going to be homeless.”

Call me crazy, but we are all LAZY!

I have said it before and I say it again....Americans are lazy! Myself included. Before you go and get all mad at me, let me finish. Be honest, think about it...have you done this?  You are walking into target or wal-mart...and you notice you are in front of the MANUAL door...do you proceed to open the door with your own physical strength? OR do you take 4 extra steps to the AUTOMATIC door? How lazy is that? Most of us WILL walk over to the one that open for us. How many times do you see a perfectly fine person hit the handicapped button to make the door open instead of pulling it open themselves? We have cat boxes that clean themselves, vacuums that go all by themselves...all day. Dishwashers, riding lawnmowers, meals in a bag, we can't even cook our own fresh veggies anymore...instead of taking 5 extra minutes we would rather "steam" (boil to death) them in the microwave for 3 minutes. I am guilty of a lot of these. At what point is trying to save time and make life easier just plain lazy?

Take the Internet...Facebook, twitter whatever you use...This is making us so lazy. Not for the fact that we sit in front of a computer (although that too is lazy) but, we are taking the work out of socializing. And frankly it is hurting us. Take me for example. I am somewhat socially awkward. I get on facebook and people I hardly know talk to me we have conversations (it is not the same as a real one because it is easier to talk to people when you are just typing for some reason) so I see that person in real life and it is AWKWARD!

ME: HI how are you
PERSON: Hi, Good, and you?
Me:Good
Me: **BLANK STARE**
PERSON: **BLANK STARE**
ME: Okay have a good day bye!
PERSON: Bye!

It takes the work out of interaction, so when you really have to, you have no idea what to do. What are you supposed to do when you meet an FB friend you really don't know, and it's weird from the beginning...for both people? Throw a Status quote out there and hope you get a comment to respond to?

Another one...parking, we will drive around a parking lot 7 times to get three spots closer to the door. We have drive thrus at gas stations because we are too lazy to go in and get our soda. We order movies on TV so we don't have to go to the video store.....the list could go on forever my friends.

Trophies:)

I was cleaning out the garage the other day and I came across a 1988 T-ball trophy of mine. It even has a picture of my old team….I’m second one in on the right in white shorts…and my mom made the banner, pretty cool right? 

I was thinking why do I still have this? I am chucking it. So I threw it away. Minutes later Story running around the garage with a Mighty Ducks duck call blowing it as hard as she can, while handing me the trophy saying I was a winner! HAHA Then she kept saying “I am the best blower (duck call) give me the trophy.”   So I figured I would let her occupy herself with it and I would throw it away later…..

NOT…..So she took it inside. I must say it has kind of been great having it in the house.  She sings, dances, takes a bath, eats, and gets ready for bed and school….all on command. All I have to say is “Aw…Hurry and eat as fast as you can so you can win the trophy for being the best eater!!!!”   Or “Don’t cry and whine, just get ready for bed so you can win the prize for the best goer to bedder.”  She gets all excited every time…sometimes she doesn’t quite care about getting it for STAYING in bed, but it helps…Dude she SLEEPS with this thing. And when she wakes up….her first words are “Where is my trophy?” I might have to replace the pic with one of her and change the dude at the top to a dancer or something.   

I found another one…for first place in a two mile…I had to keep it because it was the only thing I have ever won sports wise (besides 15^th place or participation award….) and it was 1^st place….Maybe she will get that one too. Who knew useless old trophies can hold so much power. This discovery was definitely a glorious victory…there has been more peace in our home the last few days.   I am trying to get rid of useless old crap, but I think I can slide on this a little…not too useless if it helps me out as a mom.

Overwhelming.....

So....I did like 5 hours of cleaning in this small office yesterday, and it isn't even done. I went through all my scrapbook supplies and threw out 2 full boxes and 2 large trash bags of stuff. Not to mention we have had this growing bag of "shred" stuff we have never actually shred  (some of it is from when we got married 6 years ago, I found it in the garage) so embarrassing some of the crap I am finding :/ BUT we actually have a shredder now so I was busting through this huge bag with Story last night. She kept saying "Oh my he is really hungry, this robot!", "Feed him more he was starving!!!" and then, I should have known this was gonna happen...it heated up and refused to "eat" one more old bill, receipt, or pre-approved credit card application. Story exclaimed "Oh, no more mommy....he is full!" She picked it up (it is a cheapo that sits on top of a garbage can) and cradled it "He's got a really bad tummy ache. There there it's okay robot. Does your tummy hurt?" I love that kid,. She makes me smile so much.

So I am still in my scrapbook room/ office, trying to not get overwhelmed. Mostly it isn't too bad. I have a long white shelf (that is empty ), a computer I am hucking (it was a hand-me-down hand-me-down...we have had it since before we got married, we never know the password just to boot it up, who knows what is on it...Story used it for a little while but I couldn't find any programs on it....I think the only thing I could open was notepad and paint...and AJ wants to try to sell it....I am vetoing his decision and trashing it!) there is a desk which is part of the bunk bed we are selling because Story hated it, and then a few boxes of small random crap I have to go through. So after I get the three big things out, it won't seem as bad. It has only been three days....three days a room...I SHOULD be done before the 5th of June.

We are gonna have a HUGE yard sale so if you need any of the following....come on by in about 2 weeks (well, 1 and 1/2 weeks now) we will have a three piece bunk bed set complete with dresser, bunks, desk and cubbies; a crib, infant car seat (really good condition), changing table, stroller that goes with the car seat, shelving, paper racks, clothes, a fish tank with supplies, and tons of other really cool stuff that I don't even know about yet.

Freezing cold...

So it decided to get real cold AGAIN....and my heater decided not to work...AGAIN. They just fixed it like 2 weeks ago....if that. I was freezing all night. When Story crawled into my bed I didn't fight it and make her go back to her room. I welcomed the much needed heat :) I let her get all comfy and curled up with her. I actually warmed up after being sandwiched between her and AJ...they are always warm...my heaters :)

DNA was good. I feel pretty dumb that I am just learning Mathew and the tax collector that left everything to be a disciple are one and the same. BUT I am so glad I am learning and growing!!!

AJ and I tackled the garage last night and although it still looks crazy and unorganized...there is a method to my madness and we made progress. We have a growing pile of stuff that goes back to his moms, a trash pile that is more than our keep pile, our ever growing yard sale pile, and a pile of wood for my dad. When the 4 piles of not keep stuff are gone our garage will be pretty empty. Now that we got that taken care of, I feel like I can tackle the house. I am in clean out mode....I am even going to get rid of most of my material and sewing machine I have had since graduation. I need to purge and when we get into a permanent place (IE not renting) I can buy a new one :) everything must go (hopefully I keep this attitude) We have so much stuff, I ALMOST feel like a hoarder...I like to think, collector. That sounds better.

Off to get a coat on because this office is FREEZING....and then time for some purging....Suggee will be getting much deco supplies from me hopefully soon :)

Whew.....

Just whew. I feel like days are going by like crazy and I haven't even started packing yet. We are supposed to have a yard sale in like 2 weeks...hopefully that will happen. Amazing how coffee can make a cranky girl happy :)

Mother's day was nice. Church was good. Story got dressed good. She even let me do her hair without a fuss. AFTER church was another story. She got super cranky and sensitive. She cried for everything and nothing all at once. She would not listen to anything I told her. I found myself yelling, screaming, threatening (time out, no movies, throwing stuff out....) to no avail. I felt like such a mean mom. It's mother's day and I am screaming....wonder what the neighbors think?  Then I told her I was so sorry and I hate yelling at her...and I thought she would reply with a "Me too I don't like it when you yell." and what she said was "I'm sorry momma, I don't like yelling at you either." My heat melts with that child.

Upon her waking up yesterday:
Story: "Guess what I dreamed?!?!?!"
ME: "What?"
STORY: "I dreamed about you riding on a baby horse!.....and guess what?!?!?"
ME: "What?"
STORY: "That baby horse peed on you....yuck!!!!!!"

and in the middle of the night I heard her excited voice:
"PAPER, SCISSORS, DIAPER!!!"  what is that a kids grocery list?

Anyway I am trying to build the motivation to start going through this house, and garage. We need to sell, donate, and throw away much stuff....if we stay here and move to CA in a year....I am not moving all this stuff twice in a year!!!! Dust bunnies unite, not one corner will be left untouched........hopefully.

PS...to my house

PS....
Dear house,
I don't know how I forgot and overlooked this one but I will DEFINITELY NOT miss your stinky fart smelling pipes. I loath your pipes...they have made us anti social in not wanting to invite people over. The smell you emit in our house is so foul. Sometimes it is a week long smell that gags me as I walk in the door and sometimes it seems to come from nowhere...which are the days is seems so much worse. I have tried air fresheners and febreeze which only make the house smell like sulfur fart,and flowers. I am glad in 29 days I will not have to smell you again.

Shoo fly in the buttermilk...shoo fly shoo!!!

SO I paid my rent and gave my 30 days notice last night. As I handed it over I was a little scared..."what if we can't find something?" "we are SO busy as is what if we can't pack, yard sale, move...in time?" I was starting to get a little freaked out...okay okay I was almost in panic attack mode. But then I thought "God will provide, he ALWAYS does." SO then I decided to think not of what I have to do, or what I am uncertain about, and think of what I am certain about.

Dear house on the farm,
  Although I am happy I lived here to show Story a side of life I never knew....There are some things I will NEVER miss about you:

1.) The THOUSANDS of flies that sit on our car....and when we try to get in  we have to flail our arms trying to shoo them so we don't end up with thirty in our car as we are driving...which we do anyway and then we roll all windows down but it doesn't work 'cause then they stop flying and so we drive with the nuisance of flies....I will NOT miss that.

2.) Not having heat for 5 days in freezing weather because that is how long the landlord takes to fix anything and your stupid pilot light went out....

3.) besides the hoards of flies in the front yard (embarrassing to have a yard sale...) the hoards of flies AND MOSQUITOES in the back yard. So bad we can't walk in the backyard sometimes for 30 seconds without have ten bites...for sure chance of west Nile...I will NOT miss you.

4.) Chick downstairs that feels in necessary to vacuum every night at 11 pm....I will not miss worrying if my child will be waking up right after I barely got her to sleep.

5.) To the wasps that infested our house last summer for no apparent reason...you will not be able to keep my out of my home or dive bomb me in my sleep any longer.

6.) Horses who sometimes randomly come in our yard and tear it up so when I mow it is way too bumpy and the vibrations are horrible like using a jack hammer to cut your grass....sorry horses I won't miss you either.

7.) The dang gates (all four don't shut right and they all have a different trick) that people don't know how to shut tight and constantly let my dog out so he rolls in a pile of horse poop and comes home REEKING....won't miss that either.

8.) Besides the wasps IN the house the many that nest above all entrances as if they know....and then wait for you...I will not miss Story getting stung 3 times in 2 days.

9.) The cranky lady at the farm where our other two dogs are....I will not miss our dogs fighting because your dogs start in...and I will not miss you an AJ yelling at each other about how our dogs can be here and you don't think so....

10.) To the outrageous utilities I will much enjoy being gone and letting you suck money out of someone else's pocket. IE try the landlord....

11.) Oh big one! The cotton trees that line the side of the house...I counted 8 of you....you make my life miserable when your cotton flies in my eyes and up my nose, you make our air conditioner sad when you clog it up, and it really sucks to have to sweep it off every few hours and get more cotton in my face.

12.) To the jerk dog down the street who gets into our garage and steals whole bags of cat food and makes a HUGE mess dragging it out...spilling cans, dragging other stuff with it....you are lucky I am moving 'cause I am thins close >< to calling the pound on you!!!!

13.) to our bathtub that thinks is is funny to randomly turn on...whenever...3am....sometimes 16 times right in a row....very funny but you won't be able to play tricks on us anymore.

14.) as the list could go on forever I want to say one more...To our landlord telling us we can get out every time we mention something (heater, bees, mold) we think needs fixing: I will no longer live with bees because I am too afraid to talk to my landlord....I will not miss your attitude.

So even though there are a lot of uncertainties...there is much I am certain of....I won't miss this place as much as I thought I would...and hopefully I won't have to shoo millions of flies either :)

Thank you little house on a horse farm for letting us stay here for 3 years but now, it is time to part ways.
Kelly

This is the stuff.....

So yesterday we looked at two places as an option. Both will allow our American bulldog. One was a basement, 2 bedroom for $600.00 utilities paid and if we paid a $400.00 deposit they would hold it till June for us. Only problem with that is it is SOOOOO small. Like not just "oh this is smaller than we are used to" small....no, the bathroom at first I thought was just a toilet then I walked in and closed the door which was blocking the shower AND the sink....I don't even think our bed would fit in the bedroom....so there are a few things wrong. 1.) Story HATES showers...I will have one cranky OR stinky kid  2.) It is so small for sure we can't fit a desk for AJ to work from home which is a MUST since I don't have a job right now 3.) We will be SO cramped and uncomfortable. I thought about this last one and let me tell you. I thought am I saying no because it is smaller than we are used to and we feel uncomfortable with having to downsize. No, I have been saying for a while we need to downsize, we know we need to downsize because we have been living in a house for three years and you can't go from house to apartment without purging a ton of stuff....this house just would not accommodate our family...let alone a 90 lb dog to the mix of things.

So the second place is perfect. $675 two bedroom...breathing room...BUT they said they want 1st and a $600 deposit now to hold it...meaning we pay May and we are out one month rent we aren't even in the apartment (we need to give 30 days notice...we pay rent today and we can't be out today and I know if we don't give 30 days the landlord won't prorate it...so why waste the $$$ just take the 30 days to pack..) anyway, so she said without it if we let her know on the 10-15th and it isn't rented yet, then if we pay deposit she might hold it but the only way she is holding it without rent is if she can't rent it out...so that might not even be an option when the time comes. No one wants to wait for you to rent their place yet you are expected to give 30 days notice....when you have a kid you don't want to give notice till you know you have somewhere to go....

So on the way home AJ and I were deep in thought trying to figure out what God is telling us to do...slightly, okay, very overwhelmed and stressed to the max. When out of nowhere Story breaks the silence with  Francesca Battistelli's This Is The Stuff.....she started

 ".....This is the stuff that drives me crazy
This is the stuff that's getting to me lately
In the middle of my little mess
I forget how big I'm blessed

This is the stuff that gets under my skin
But I gotta trust You know exactly what You're doing
It might not be what I would choose
But this is the stuff You use"

AJ and I just couldn't help but smile...AJ said "Thank you Story that is JUST what mommy and daddy needed!" I was so over joyed that she lighted the mood that much. Then we all sang the song together. Funny how I didn't think of it till my three year old pointed it out in plain English....
THIS IS THE STUFF.......

Pretty cool...

I was just looking at my traffic and I had blog visits from people in Malaysia, Denmark, and Germany (my sister most assuredly...) I thought it was pretty cool. When I started my blog, it was mostly for me to get everything to help me cope with the loss of my unborn child...which I am still very much dealing with. BUT I never really expected ANYONE to really read it...let alone follow it.

I mean who really cares if I am having a hard day, my daughter spill pudding, what I did on Valentines day with AJ....or that I am just strange and ask questions like why do we need braille at a dive up ATM? I think sometimes I just like to talk and as much as I love love love Story...well she's three...so I talk to myself through my blog  pretending someone will read it...and well...obviously YOU are. It's exciting....I have no clue why, but it is. 

Anyway, I went to DNA this morning...Jade picked me up because AJ's bronco is not working and is actually abandoned in his work parking lot and he was running late so he didn't have time to warm up the bike...so he took the truck Heather lent us. So, Jade picked me and Story up and we went to Deanne's. Well she has 2 birds that Story was all interested in but she kept picking up every feather she could find and tried to put it on my coffee cup...where my mouth goes...and I don't know if it is just me but that grossed me out!!!! I'm trying to have a discussion but also trying to shoo her hand full of feathers away from my cup without anyone noticing...I don't think I succeeded. Then she kept playing with the cat toys...but there was no cat in sight...and she was all confused....again trying to have a discussion and distract her without being noticed...she says "why are there toys and no cat? Is it pretend?" I didn't really know the answer I had been there over and hour and saw no signs of a cat...no litter box....later I found out it just likes to hide.  Then she insisted on bringing all the feathers home...
she is so full of energy sometimes I can't keep up. I think I will take her swimming today to help that out :)

The real heros of America

Let me just give a quick "Thank you." to all the military men and women who defend our country, and our freedom on a daily basis. My brother-in-law used to be special ops. until just recently. He has sacrifices so much to serve our country. So has his family. He is CONSTANTLY away from his wife and five kids. He misses out on the kids' firsts, games, plays, awards....childhoods. His wife (my sister) is basically a single parent with five kids. She does the daily track meets, soccer games, dance classes, piano lessons...and then the twins have speech therapy, and Dr. appointments on top of all that. We can very easily forget or not realize how much our military sacrifices for us to make our country safe...and give us more relief. We can very easily overlook how much their families sacrifice as well.

I am slightly relived (and skeptical) about the news of "one less terrorist". Also, I am saddened by America's behavior as a whole about this issue. I remember 9/11 VERY clearly. I remember them dancing in the streets celebrating the many deaths of Americans. I also remember EVERYONE was appalled by the lack of respect. At how anyone could celebrate the death of another human....yet, I saw this in our own towns when the news broke. I am sad because a man lost his life, and will most likely spend eternity in hell. I can't be happy at the thought anyone will be separated from the heavenly father...I wish this on no man. It is not for us as humans to judge...but for God.

 "Do not gloat when your enemy falls; when they stumble, do not let your heart rejoice, or the LORD will see and disapprove and turn his wrath away from them." Proverbs 24:17-18

Some days are just...hard!

So yesterday it started when Story woke up. She was crying to start with and she was refusing to use her big girl words. I kept asking what was the matter but it was no help...I still have no clue what she was crying about. Could have been the dog looked at her, or her bear was in the wrong spot when she woke up....literally anything. She is very sensitive lately. Then I thought OK, breakfast and cartoons for 5 minutes while I shower...she has occupied herself for a quick rinse....so why would this day be any different? As I am in the shower I hear the fridge open shut open shut open shut...What is that child doing?!?!?! I grab a towel and hear a loud crash. I run downstairs and she is hiding the last handful of pudding behind her back starring at a huge mess. Pudding everywhere...glass everywhere!!!  I snapped I was yelling louder than I ever have before...which is pretty sad because I am a mom who yells unfortunately...I often feel bad. I came uncorked I reminded her she was doing this same thing last night and got into trouble, and she disobeyed me, and she broke the bowl I bought to match my wedding platter.....then she says "But you have another just like it." which is true...I HAD a small one and a large one...so at that I tried to be a bit calmer. I told her to get in the tub. And this was just the start of the day....I'm sure we had at least 15 meltdowns, 6 fits, and who knows how many yelling matches...I am pretty sure we both had about 4 times outs too...sometimes I need to just be away.
  Then I feel horrible for screaming and yelling all day because I just wanted to to be good and listen. Then at the END of the day I feel worse because I realize she is 3...she is just a little kid. I know her better than anyone else so I am harder on her than a "normal" person would be. I tend to not look at her age and go off her understanding. She tends to understand a little more than other three year olds. I have been told by principals that I have a seriously smart kid on my hands. I hear people all the time who say "wow that is like talking to a mini adult" so I think I tend to treat her like one and when she pulls a 3 year old move it appals me. I am praying for patients. I don't want to yell at my kid all the time. I want to let her just make messes, get dirty, play how she wants....I will never get these years back and I want them to be fun for her not rigid.

On another note I am very torn on the decisions that have been presented lately. Our landlord is selling our house so we have no idea how long we have here....30 days to who knows how long it will take to sell. I just signed up for school. We have been looking for a place but no one wants dogs. Now people say that is easy, get rid of the dogs....but that is not an option. Duke is Story's we have had him since she was 9 months old. He got hit by a car and we paid 3,000 for him to get fixed...obviously we love him. Raze is 8 years old and a lab. This dog AJ has had since 8weeks...2 years before we got married. This is his hunting buddy. Saline AJ gave to me as a wedding present when she was 8 weeks old. She is also AJ's hunting dog. She has never been a single day without Raze. So obviously we would want them to go together....but no one wants an 8 year and a 6 year old lad let alone both. We are too kind hearted to put them to sleep. So we are keeping out dogs. We might have something worked out for the labs but then we have to find a place that will take Story's dog. And he is a 90 lb American bull dog so that is hard because the size...then you say bull dog and people hear pit bull even though they are two totally different breeds. Then the question is do we speed up our move to Ca. We were planning on leaving in a year do we just go now? Do we stay here as long as we can and hope it is seven months so I can finish school? Do I just scratch school off the list for now. uggghhhh. I have no clue what to do. Why can't god talk to us like Moses? Can I get a burning bush please?

Some days are just...hard!

Baptism

So Sunday AJ and I got baptized together. It is a pretty big deal you know. I have been a "born and raised" christian my whole life, but never really grew spiritually. I actually regressed I guess you could say...for a long time. I knew something major was missing. I knew what the something was...GOD. I tried to get back. I started going to church, trying to get involved (not too much though) but after a while it just seemed like I was "going through the motions". I met AJ and he was a "born and raised" Mormon. He fell out of the church in his teen years.  He knew he was missing something as well. He knew there was something much bigger than himself. He was just having a hard time finding the truth. He was very willing to go to church with me.  We went to the same church for about five years when we decided to find one closer. Never did I imagine we would find a home like the Journey. Immediately the fist day we felt something. We felt as if this was where we were supposed to be. We are kinda socially awkward people. The fact that there was a guy from the other church we just left, leading the worship in this one, helped us feel more comfortable. A thirst and hunger grew in both of us. I wanted to know more, know what no one bothered to show me all these years, know what I had been missing out on, know what I should have known. AJ wanted to find the truth, separate what he had been taught as a kid from what he now believes is the truth. He had a real hard time...years and years...trying to figure out the trinity. We started going to the pastors house for a study of John. Finally someone to actually teach us...no, not teach...guide, and help us begin this spiritual journey. I was amazed at how many times I have tried to read my bible. AJ and I even tried to start at Genesis to read all the way through, we just lost steam because we didn't know what we were doing. When Jared told us to start with John, and we did, it started clicking. I could actually understand it...and it made sense. How come no one ever took the time to show me this before? I felt ashamed that I have been a "Christian" my whole life and knew nothing, I just relied on my blind faith. I was just as new to this as AJ. On the day figured out the trinity, I cried. I was so happy. I was astonished at how much he has grown...at how much I have grown...and it was all together! Also at the relationship, friendship we developed (slightly unexpectedly since we are socially awkward) with Jared and Stephanie. They are dear friends of ours now. As we grow we notice that social awkwardness going away. We are changing in so many ways I could never say them all. Oh and AJ realized what was missing....HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. When he said he wanted to be baptized I was thinking the same thing. I have been baptized before, but in a blind faith kind of way. I was never explained exactly what it meant, the symbolism (just as Jesus died for us we must also die to ourselves), the meaning of the decision...all of that. I felt almost as if it didn't count before. I wanted a second chance, to do it right. When I was told I would be getting baptized with my husband, and that I would get to help baptise him I was astonished. I didn't know what to say. And when the time came it was even more amazing than I thought it would be. It was perfect. There were eleven people in all that got baptized. Eleven people all giving their lives to Christ. Amazing. All I can say is God is good.

Road Trip!!!....this is kinda long

    So my sister, Heather, had a brilliant idea to let AJ and I borrow their truck wile they are going to be living in Germany. 
     So on very short notice, last Thursday, I flew to North Carolina. I was so excited. I made sure to wear my neoprene knee brace instead of the one with metal supports for faster security clearance. I get to the checkpoint and duh, forgot to take off my boots, and sweater.  After I did the taking my boots off dance I walk through the metal detector. Beep Beep Beep..."Oh, maybe my necklace" I ask the guy. "Maybe" he says. I take it off and go again BEEP BEEP BEEP..."Mame anything in your pockets?" I flip them inside out to show fast nothing there..."A belt?" I tell him "no" Then, light bulb, I say "it can't be my knee brace could it?" Sure enough he says "it most definitely is, step to the side while I get someone to check you out" Great. So I stand to the side, my stuff waiting on the belt, hoping no one takes anything. The lady comes over checks my hair, my bra, my pant lining, my waistband, my socks, then asks "can you pull your jeans over your brace or do we need to go in the other room" Oh no...I'll get it....give me a min to pry it, I am NOT going in another room.  So as I am pulling my pants up as hard as I can to expose the knee brace (slightly wishing I would have shaved my legs) she finally puts her fingers up and in to make sure I'm not toting anything in my knee...finally I am cleared. 
      I get to my gate and I patiently awaited my boarding zone. Finally, the last zone called was mine. I am slightly cheap so I decided to not pay to check my bag. I packed very light, a small bag with three to four days worth of clothes, and essentials, including a car DVD player for my ride. In my other bag "my purse" was my TK Primer book, my Bible, a few magazines, and some more essentials. I have mad packing skills so I crammed as much as I could in these two small bags. In my excitement of boarding the plane I didn't see how small this plane was....or notice the fact that my seat was THE LAST row! So scooting past in the smallest isle ever with my two slightly heavy and awkward bags, I hear myself saying "sorry" and "excuse me" about a hundred times. Finally, I get to my seat. Sweet an isle..whoo hoo. As I sit and buckle the older gentleman next to me goes to ask me something....I thought for sure he was gonna ask for the isle. "excuse me" he says, "would you possible be willing to switch with my wife so we may sit together?" I have seen this in movies, then I am stuck sitting in a very uncomfortable or awkward seat...."yes that's fine" I reply. I find her seat and sit by the window...yay (fake yay). They announce they are shutting the door...sweet I get the whole seat to myself. I stretch a leg but a hitch hiking flight attendant who must have been moody sits down and gives me "the look". BUT I feel good because I did something selfless and nice for someone else. SO after a ride in this dinky plane that sounded pretty worn, I arrive in Chicago.
    Booking it to my next gate, I stop at the only place to grab a bite without a long line, pretzel bites. So I wait, and wait....finally last boarding zone called again. This time I am in one of the front rows yay. I go to flip my bags in the overhead (no seat in front of me) but to my surprise this plane, if possible, is smaller than the first. My bag, which as considerably smaller than A LOT of others, did not fit! Me still not wanting to check my bags, frantically trying to take stuff out of one and put in another before the flight attendant sees and makes me check it....finally I get it to SQUEEZE. So I feel pretty lucky to have an isle seat with a little leg room. The only thing is right where my leg space begins, the isle path does a slight slanted direction change so my feet are now past the yellow line ( without stretching them out) so instead of just telling me she gets on the intercom right in front of me and says "If your feet are past the yellow line please tuck them in" Yay, this will be comfy. So I try to slant them inward but they are now taking up the leg space designated for the rather large guy next to me. Then to my surprise, they actually had a cart small enough for the smallest isle I have now ever seen. As they start it seems fine till they come to my part here the isle veers to the right so now in the turbulence I am hoping they don't loose control or I will be smashed by this crappy drink cart. They say if you want a drink you must put your tray down. Yeah hi...I don't have one...oh wait, I do folded up in the arm of my seat. So I cleverly watch the guy next to me and follow. I pull it out unfold it....but the middle where it folds doesn't secure itself so it is just a floppy tray folding itself in half while kinda resting on my lap....good enough if it gets me a soda I guess. Anyway, we land I get my stuff and have to exit down the stairs onto the tarmac and back up some stairs inside.
     Hobbling as fast as I can across the airport to my next gate taking a few escalators, and people movers....finally from B zone to E zone...E 18 is my gate (in Charlotte NC) I half run half limp off the people mover when someone says "hey get on" a guy with a golf cart. I tell him I think I'm real close it's ok. He asks where my gate is and he laughs and says "get on" so I do and he says " you still think it's close?" after a five min ride. He drops me off as they are starting to board. whew. Thank you NC airport cart driver guy. So I get on my last flight...again ALL the way in the very last row. AGAIN my stuff won't fit...like my planes went from little, to even smaller to world's smallest. This one actually scared me at take off and landing. The whole plane not only shook but jerked and knocked...thank goodness for seat belts. It didn't help the fact that there were two (that I saw) seats that had signs "out of order, do not sit" on them!
   FINALLY Fayettville NC. I found Heather and we got to her house at about midnight, or one. We slept for a few hours and woke up to get ready and eat lunch with Elias at his school. He was so surprised. He was so happy to sit and talk and eat his lunch with Heather and I. He was even cool enough to give mom and aunt Kelly hugs in  front of his friends :) Then we waited for Vanessa to have lunch. She too was super excited. Right when she walked in she started to talk to us, but the lunch Nazi came and told her she can't talk for ten min. Apparently it is the rule so kids will actually eat, so we had to take her to a different table so she could talk. After that we went to Alex's school and pulled him out early. He was really excited too. We went home to get Max and the twins and went to walmart for a min. Then the kids got home from school and it was out for ice cream and miniature golf. Then we went out for dinner. Super yummy. Not much time with the kids but it was nice. I played apples to apples with them, they are so silly. And Alex showed me the show wipe out....I was crying I was laughing so hard.  We went to bed around 1 am and woke up at 5:30.
   At 6:00 we said our goodbyes and we were off. We went to SC first...a bit confusing, especially when we had no real idea of what the route was just going by GPS. Then back into the corner of NC. Then I think it was TN where we stopped to look at Heather's OTHER house, then KY, a min in IN and then Il. In Illinois we just happened to stop in metropolis, where we found out is the home of superman. SO at like 10:00 pm we decide to hurry and find this giant statue of superman to pretend like we took our time and sight saw along the way when really we were booking it as fast as we could. So we end up in what looks like a really seedy part of town, taking a five min detour to take a few cheesy pics, as cars are FLYING through the ally by this statue...like they spotted the dumb tourists who decided to be there that late and they were gonna mug us or something. So we packed it up fast and got back to the task at hand...getting to Utah.
    Then we hit MO. Well we hit it a few times I guess we kept going on the boarder. In St. Louis I had to stop for gas and bathroom really bad. So i get off the freeway. Only there are no gas stations. Just high rises and city buildings. So I finally find one and I can't pull back out of the parking lot fast enough. And what do I see across the street by a SUPER SEEDY building? A van that reads ST. LOUIS CITY PROJECTS.  Wrong part of town to try to get gas. So we finally find a decent place a few miles up the road and get back to our travels.
    Nebraska. Now this would have been a cool state to visit as I have a good friend who lives in Nebraska. If I would have known the GPS was taking us this way. So when we hit it, it is too late to try to figure where she lives or if it is close to where we are. I commend her for living there.  It is desolate! We were on a road that was 50 miles with no inlets or "exits" or connecting roads. No houses, no trees, not even corn!!!! We had already been up for twenty four hours by this point, so we had to switch every hour because we were dying of boredom.  There was a store or something that looked like a covered wagon (we didn't stop there, we were kinda tired of sight seeing by this point). There was a dinosaur, the wagon store, a water tower that looked like a hot air balloon, and a tee pee...all randomly placed within a few miles of each other. We also stopped at a gas station in these few miles that had a house made of sod, and a buffalo, horse, and Indian made of barb wire...these we did see since they were in the same parking lot. Then off for another however many hours.  We spent a little over twelve hours in that state! Oh did I mention I got pulled over for swerving in my lane...he thought I was drunk. Heather leans over and says "It's not her truck, she isn't used to it, I was just sleeping and she is driving for me." the cop probably thought...I'm asking her...can she not speak for herself? haha....good times...no ticket. :)
    We actually cheered when we hit WY. This was the last leg of the journey. On the boarder we saw a huge statue of  Jesus. Again a whole lot of nothing, but at least there were rocks, houses, snow...stuff to look at. Plus, I knew we were almost to UT. After entering Utah and going down Parleys canyon, it was dark. Tons of truckers were passing us (doing 70 mph). This canyon road was seriously dark too. Well I get in the fast lane and pass some trucks. When all of a sudden the smallish car in front of me swerves as if to miss hitting something. So I and struggling to see what might be in the road, when me and heather see what looks like dust or small glass particles or something. Still trying to see what I am about to hit, out of nowhere the guy finally slams on his brakes and does a dead stop in the fast lane. I barely had enough time to swerve and miss him, praying there were no big rigs in the lane next to  me. Not being able to feel my legs I just went straight off the exit that happened to be right there. I let the adrenaline calm down and called 911 to report the guy who hit something and was dead stopped in the fast lane. Praying he would not get hit by one of the trucks going over 70. I have no clue what happened to them. God was definitely watching over our travels though.
    Finally we made it home about 11:30 or so. Not a min too soon. 44 hours straight with nothing more than a few hours of naps collectively throughout the trip was a little much. I spent a fun few days with heather, shopping and talking. Watching movies and dying hair....me red, her pink. It was definitely much needed sister time. I can't wait to see her this summer (hopefully, crossing fingers) I am going to miss her SO much!!!!! I can't believe she will be gone a whole four years. Hopefully when they get back they will live closer so I can have my turn to be the cool aunt!

Jitters...

     So my sister, Heather, is moving to Germany with her family. I have just recently (in the last few years)  became really close to her. We are six years apart so she was grown up while I was growing up. So now we live on opposite sides of the country, but we are closer than ever. Calling each other every other day and promising to see each other at least once a year. She called me the other day asking me if we wanted to borrow their truck for their duration in Germany. Wow what a blessing! What trust! We can sell our car and save that money for another PAID IN FULL :)
       So on the 17th I will fly out to North Carolina to see her and her wonderful family. Then, we will proceed to drive her truck to Utah together. That way we get some much needed sister time before she leaves. Road trip! Thema and Louise style....well with out all the drama, and breaking the law, and driving off a cliff stuff...but you get the point. I am so excited.
    I told my work I would need the time off....but, they said no can do, so I guess they took it as my quitting. So on one hand I am super excited about seeing her and having an awesome trip with her. And saving money monthly as well....but on the other hand, I am kinda scared cause now I have no job. I am thinking crap what am I doing? How will I have the gas money if I don't have a job? But then I think, duh...I am making very little now, and for how much I save from the car, I will have to make half of what I did to make up for the lost job. Probably not too hard to find a job with a few hours a week. Plus, I saved the most important for last, GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES FOR US. when we least expect it.
    I definitely have to go. I need to be able to see them all and say my goodbyes. I need this trip with her before she leaves to get a chance to spend some quality time with her before I don't see her for a few years. I know I am doing the right thing.  I think I also need this for just me.  I made a resume today that kicks butt. I feel pretty confident that I won't have any issues finding a new job that probably pays better.  I love it when God gives me some confidence and reassurance.
     Now I just have to get over not seeing AJ or Story for a few days :( NOT something I'm used to. I am used to being with BOTH of them every spare min I have. We left AJ home once when we went to California for three or four days and that was SO hard....now I have to be without Story too....man I am going to go through withdrawals.

Any easier?

I keep thinking (about every other day) that today is different, that somehow I am emotionally getting back to normal. When all of a sudden out of no where everything comes flooding back. I see babies EVERYWHERE!!!! Pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE!!!! You never notice how many are out there till you want one so bad. The smallest things set me off and I break down. I can't sleep and when I do, I have these horrible dreams. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts about others who are fortunate enough to have a baby, like they had any control over anything or even know what has happened to me. Then I cry because I'm not over any of this yet, then I cry more because I feel like such a horrible person for even thinking these things for a split second. Does it ever get better? Will I always wonder what could have been? If it was a boy or a girl? Why...what's the lesson? The list is never ending. All I can do is keep my faith and know that God is completely and utterly in control, and he knows what he is doing. I need to remember I am loved by the Father and this was in no way  punishment or neglect. Trust in the Lord ALWAYS, and again, I say REJOICE. (as hard as it may be)

Trying to stay sane....

AHHHH! It's one of those days where my fuse is short and Story is not doing ANYTHING I ask. I think sometimes she knows when is the best day to push buttons and get reactions. I ask her to make her bed (ie just pull the covers up) something she has done many times but on this one day that I am trying to get stuff done and need her help she says "I can't" I ask her to put her shoes on her rack, again something she does everyday...again "I can't" I ask her to put book away...another daily thing and again "I can't"...the list of  "I can't"s goes on...I am now so frustrated with the fact she is blatantly disobeying me I am refusing to just do the job myself to teach a lesson. The battle goes on all morning. The yelling from me, the screaming from her...tears, frustration on both ends. And then the guilt...she's three.  So I just do the things for her and end it. Then I think did I just teach her she can not listen and as long as she holds out long enough she won't have to...or did I just do what any mom would do and treat her like a three year old and do it (forgetting the fact SHE does these chores semi-daily)?

So needless to say she is having quiet time and I am having a time out. Trying to stay sane and not totally loose it today. Good thing Fri is early day for AJ. Just a few more min and he'll be home to save the day, or go crazy with me.  Either way it's better with someone else.

When it rains it pours...

So we were about to go to our missional community last night when I went to change Story, she had a "rash" on her torso and a few spots on her back, neck, and arms...well I thought oh great chicken pox...so we called Steph, who is in our missional community and a nurse to let them know we would drop off our stuff, but not be joining them...and to ask if she would take a peak at her. So she said she did not think it was chicken pox. So this morning I called the Dr and set up an appointment. So in just a few hours this morning it went from mostly on her stomach to everywhere! And I mean everwhere. So, we go to the Dr. and find out she is having an allergic reaction to the antibiotics they gave her. She is now on Zyrtec but, it is spreading worse. I guess it needs to get worse before it gets better.

To top it off on Tuesday, I couldn't find a babysitter for my sick kid, and I called into work. I told them I was so sorry and even called a co-worker to cover my shift. She agreed, and I called them to let them know it was covered. Twenty min later, I got a call saying if I didn't show up they would take it as my resignation. I said I have no babysitter and can't leave my three yr old home alone. They said they understood but they "gotta do what they gotta do". Well....after stewing I became a little angry and called another "boss" (or whatever she is) and asked why I got fired if I got the shift covered and she finally said she wasn't aware of that and I was not fired. So yay for that. Hopefully Story is feeling better soon and I can get a steady person to watch her.  Maybe I'm not supposed to work there ha.
  
I feel like just when we have had all we can take, one more thing is added to the plate. Is this god's way of breaking me down till I hit rock bottom and FINALLY FULLY give it completely to him.  I know I can't control these things, and, I do try to put it in his hands but I think at the same time, I still have one hand holding on...as if to say here god, it's all up to you, but I still want SOME say....I guess it doesn't work that way.  Maybe soon, hopefully, I will learn.

As a side note I am feeling a little sad today. Just when I think I'm okay and I have come to grips with things, my emotions get in the way.

Still I am thankful for my blessings and even for my hardships. For one I know there is a lesson to be learned, and two, I know I do not have it half as bad as A LOT of others out there.  I pray for those less fortunate than me. Those who don't have a roof over their heads, or food to eat...yes I have it very good indeed. How dare I feel as if my life is in some way unfair.

Awesome day

Yesterday, Valentines, was great! Story and I went to the store to get all the fixings for a great day. We made heart hamburgers for lunch. AJ came home and ate with us :) Then we went to get AJ a box of Sees candies (wow everyone waits till the last minute huh?) Story was so good she got to pick something from the Disney store...a sleeping Beauty cup...and mommy threw in a small Dumbo snow globe to get her collection started.  Then we headed home. AJ got home and we cooked together a great meal! Top sirloin steaks with sauteed onions and mushrooms to top, bacon wrapped asparagus, and finally homemade chocolate dipped strawberries. It was a nice quiet evening...Story even went to bed early so we could cuddle on the couch together. I was so nice to just unwind with AJ. We are always so busy we don't get time to just enjoy each others company.  And we used our tax returns to get stuff we really needed but have kept putting it off because it costs so much....so it was our presents :) We got a new mattress and a new recliner :) Ahhhh so nice to finally have new things.  Last year our gift to each other was a new TV that isn't a huge cube that weighs 80 pounds haha.  So it was a great Valentines day indeed.

Valentine

I just want to say I have an amazing Valentine. I love my husband with all my heart. I am so glad he decided to spend his life with me....of all the women out there...ME :) He has given me the most beautiful daughter I could ever ask for. I have a totally different life than I was headed for. Together we have grown in faith and strengthened our relationships with God...in turn making our relationship stronger than ever. It is truly amazing to be in a relationship with someone and have "discussions" about differences instead of fights. Before him, I didn't know a relationship like this even existed or even could. I thought is was normal to fight, yell, and hurt. I am glad I had bad relationships so I can really appreciate my husband and everything he does for me. He bends, and sacrifices for our family and he truly cares about our well being and happiness. He truly is the leader of the house and he sets a great example for our family.
Happy Valentines Day AJ.

Super Sick

Man, I haven't felt this incredibly sick since I had the swine flu last year. My whole body aches, my head feels like it will pop the second I sit up. I went to the Dr and he said shoved a q-tip all the way up my nose poking my brain making my migraine worse...just to tell me it isn't the flu or strep his diagnosis..."the gum boo that's going around." really? Is that a medical term....thanks for clarifying it for me. Now how do I get rid of this? I am Praying AJ and Story don't get this. If Story does...I don't know how I can handle a three yr old with this kind of sickness....Hopefully I don't get fired, I have taken a few days off already in the last few weeks in light of everything else. God has a plan for everything....maybe this is yet another test...or just bad luck...or just what comes with working at a gas station and handling dirty money. Either way, I hope it goes away soon. My house needs some attention, paychecks too.

thankful for rest

So after a ten hour shift my first day back, working till 11:45 pm and then working a 9 hr shift the next day at 7:00 am....then working again on Sun, closing alone....I was thankful when the new manager asked if I would like today off to rest! Ahhhh.....I was getting sooooooo tired, physically to mentally to emotionally drained.  I could barely hold a smile long enough to say have a nice day, I was screaming on the inside from pain...I was just about at my point of I can't do this anymore, when the blessing of an offer of rest came...not one half second too soon! So today thankfully Story indulged me :) we went downstairs and laid together on the couch...she watched PBS and I slept....till ten. Ah... sweet glorious sleep. All day has been lounging. I should do some house work...I think I will in a bit. We will go get our taxes done today. Another blessing, because when it rains, it pours. Things are looking up and I am at peace. The lord indeed is good...you just have to thank him for trials and hard times, see the positive, as hard as it is....and you will see the everyday presence of the lord almighty.

amazing

Missional community was awesome tonight. I know God is rocking me to my core. I am stronger now than I ever have been. I am glad I became stronger in faith before this week...I don't know if I could have handled it before. I have realized I now have a lot of people I trust and can lean on when times are hard. Before, all AJ and I had were each other...which is awesome we are amazingly close...but now we don't have to bear burdens alone.  We have people to pray for us and care for us. I am so glad I am learning faith...and trust. I truly trust God and his plans even if I don't know what they are yet. I know he loves us and in all of this there is a lesson to be learned and strength to be gained.

worst day of my life

So yesterday was the worst day of my life. Actually this has been the worst week. I went to the Dr. on Tuesday because I was bleeding badly and I am 8 weeks pregnant. The Dr said was in the process of having a miscarriage. Crying my eyes out I asked to have an ultrasound to prove this. Just wanting to see for myself. I went in for the ultrasound and...whew! A heart beat. I was then told I was "the luckiest girl in the world" and they were shocked to see everything was fine. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I went home...

Only to have to go back on Thursday...more bleeding.  So I thought, okay, I'll go they will tell me everything is fine like the other day and all will be good. I go and the guy says nothing, takes a bunch of pics and calls the Dr. "sorry for the emotional roller coaster." he says.  "I'm so sorry, but there is no longer a heart beat and you are having a miscarriage for sure this time." My heart sank! I started weeping. We have been trying for nearly a year. I just heard it's little heart beating two days ago!

Then Story says why are you crying momma? I didn't know how to answer this anazingly hard question from my three year old daughter...who knew I was pregnant before I did.  All I could muster was a faint..."mommy's not gonna have a baby, Story." and she looked at me with eyes of understand and whispered "Oh. that's so sad."

I don't know if this was a test of faith...as many say I have faith you can do this Lord...but will you still if he doesn't do what you ask? I think this tragedy has made me closer to God, my husband and my church friends. sometimes we don't understand God's plan, but I know there is a reason behind all of this and I have to take my saddness and turn it to joy for God is working in my life and soon I may know the purpose of all this.