Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Baptism
So Sunday AJ and I got baptized together. It is a pretty big deal you know. I have been a "born and raised" christian my whole life, but never really grew spiritually. I actually regressed I guess you could say...for a long time. I knew something major was missing. I knew what the something was...GOD. I tried to get back. I started going to church, trying to get involved (not too much though) but after a while it just seemed like I was "going through the motions". I met AJ and he was a "born and raised" Mormon. He fell out of the church in his teen years. He knew he was missing something as well. He knew there was something much bigger than himself. He was just having a hard time finding the truth. He was very willing to go to church with me. We went to the same church for about five years when we decided to find one closer. Never did I imagine we would find a home like the Journey. Immediately the fist day we felt something. We felt as if this was where we were supposed to be. We are kinda socially awkward people. The fact that there was a guy from the other church we just left, leading the worship in this one, helped us feel more comfortable. A thirst and hunger grew in both of us. I wanted to know more, know what no one bothered to show me all these years, know what I had been missing out on, know what I should have known. AJ wanted to find the truth, separate what he had been taught as a kid from what he now believes is the truth. He had a real hard time...years and years...trying to figure out the trinity. We started going to the pastors house for a study of John. Finally someone to actually teach us...no, not teach...guide, and help us begin this spiritual journey. I was amazed at how many times I have tried to read my bible. AJ and I even tried to start at Genesis to read all the way through, we just lost steam because we didn't know what we were doing. When Jared told us to start with John, and we did, it started clicking. I could actually understand it...and it made sense. How come no one ever took the time to show me this before? I felt ashamed that I have been a "Christian" my whole life and knew nothing, I just relied on my blind faith. I was just as new to this as AJ. On the day figured out the trinity, I cried. I was so happy. I was astonished at how much he has grown...at how much I have grown...and it was all together! Also at the relationship, friendship we developed (slightly unexpectedly since we are socially awkward) with Jared and Stephanie. They are dear friends of ours now. As we grow we notice that social awkwardness going away. We are changing in so many ways I could never say them all. Oh and AJ realized what was missing....HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH JESUS. When he said he wanted to be baptized I was thinking the same thing. I have been baptized before, but in a blind faith kind of way. I was never explained exactly what it meant, the symbolism (just as Jesus died for us we must also die to ourselves), the meaning of the decision...all of that. I felt almost as if it didn't count before. I wanted a second chance, to do it right. When I was told I would be getting baptized with my husband, and that I would get to help baptise him I was astonished. I didn't know what to say. And when the time came it was even more amazing than I thought it would be. It was perfect. There were eleven people in all that got baptized. Eleven people all giving their lives to Christ. Amazing. All I can say is God is good.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Road Trip!!!....this is kinda long
So my sister, Heather, had a brilliant idea to let AJ and I borrow their truck wile they are going to be living in Germany.
So on very short notice, last Thursday, I flew to North Carolina. I was so excited. I made sure to wear my neoprene knee brace instead of the one with metal supports for faster security clearance. I get to the checkpoint and duh, forgot to take off my boots, and sweater. After I did the taking my boots off dance I walk through the metal detector. Beep Beep Beep..."Oh, maybe my necklace" I ask the guy. "Maybe" he says. I take it off and go again BEEP BEEP BEEP..."Mame anything in your pockets?" I flip them inside out to show fast nothing there..."A belt?" I tell him "no" Then, light bulb, I say "it can't be my knee brace could it?" Sure enough he says "it most definitely is, step to the side while I get someone to check you out" Great. So I stand to the side, my stuff waiting on the belt, hoping no one takes anything. The lady comes over checks my hair, my bra, my pant lining, my waistband, my socks, then asks "can you pull your jeans over your brace or do we need to go in the other room" Oh no...I'll get it....give me a min to pry it, I am NOT going in another room. So as I am pulling my pants up as hard as I can to expose the knee brace (slightly wishing I would have shaved my legs) she finally puts her fingers up and in to make sure I'm not toting anything in my knee...finally I am cleared.
I get to my gate and I patiently awaited my boarding zone. Finally, the last zone called was mine. I am slightly cheap so I decided to not pay to check my bag. I packed very light, a small bag with three to four days worth of clothes, and essentials, including a car DVD player for my ride. In my other bag "my purse" was my TK Primer book, my Bible, a few magazines, and some more essentials. I have mad packing skills so I crammed as much as I could in these two small bags. In my excitement of boarding the plane I didn't see how small this plane was....or notice the fact that my seat was THE LAST row! So scooting past in the smallest isle ever with my two slightly heavy and awkward bags, I hear myself saying "sorry" and "excuse me" about a hundred times. Finally, I get to my seat. Sweet an isle..whoo hoo. As I sit and buckle the older gentleman next to me goes to ask me something....I thought for sure he was gonna ask for the isle. "excuse me" he says, "would you possible be willing to switch with my wife so we may sit together?" I have seen this in movies, then I am stuck sitting in a very uncomfortable or awkward seat...."yes that's fine" I reply. I find her seat and sit by the window...yay (fake yay). They announce they are shutting the door...sweet I get the whole seat to myself. I stretch a leg but a hitch hiking flight attendant who must have been moody sits down and gives me "the look". BUT I feel good because I did something selfless and nice for someone else. SO after a ride in this dinky plane that sounded pretty worn, I arrive in Chicago.
Booking it to my next gate, I stop at the only place to grab a bite without a long line, pretzel bites. So I wait, and wait....finally last boarding zone called again. This time I am in one of the front rows yay. I go to flip my bags in the overhead (no seat in front of me) but to my surprise this plane, if possible, is smaller than the first. My bag, which as considerably smaller than A LOT of others, did not fit! Me still not wanting to check my bags, frantically trying to take stuff out of one and put in another before the flight attendant sees and makes me check it....finally I get it to SQUEEZE. So I feel pretty lucky to have an isle seat with a little leg room. The only thing is right where my leg space begins, the isle path does a slight slanted direction change so my feet are now past the yellow line ( without stretching them out) so instead of just telling me she gets on the intercom right in front of me and says "If your feet are past the yellow line please tuck them in" Yay, this will be comfy. So I try to slant them inward but they are now taking up the leg space designated for the rather large guy next to me. Then to my surprise, they actually had a cart small enough for the smallest isle I have now ever seen. As they start it seems fine till they come to my part here the isle veers to the right so now in the turbulence I am hoping they don't loose control or I will be smashed by this crappy drink cart. They say if you want a drink you must put your tray down. Yeah hi...I don't have one...oh wait, I do folded up in the arm of my seat. So I cleverly watch the guy next to me and follow. I pull it out unfold it....but the middle where it folds doesn't secure itself so it is just a floppy tray folding itself in half while kinda resting on my lap....good enough if it gets me a soda I guess. Anyway, we land I get my stuff and have to exit down the stairs onto the tarmac and back up some stairs inside.
Hobbling as fast as I can across the airport to my next gate taking a few escalators, and people movers....finally from B zone to E zone...E 18 is my gate (in Charlotte NC) I half run half limp off the people mover when someone says "hey get on" a guy with a golf cart. I tell him I think I'm real close it's ok. He asks where my gate is and he laughs and says "get on" so I do and he says " you still think it's close?" after a five min ride. He drops me off as they are starting to board. whew. Thank you NC airport cart driver guy. So I get on my last flight...again ALL the way in the very last row. AGAIN my stuff won't fit...like my planes went from little, to even smaller to world's smallest. This one actually scared me at take off and landing. The whole plane not only shook but jerked and knocked...thank goodness for seat belts. It didn't help the fact that there were two (that I saw) seats that had signs "out of order, do not sit" on them!
FINALLY Fayettville NC. I found Heather and we got to her house at about midnight, or one. We slept for a few hours and woke up to get ready and eat lunch with Elias at his school. He was so surprised. He was so happy to sit and talk and eat his lunch with Heather and I. He was even cool enough to give mom and aunt Kelly hugs in front of his friends :) Then we waited for Vanessa to have lunch. She too was super excited. Right when she walked in she started to talk to us, but the lunch Nazi came and told her she can't talk for ten min. Apparently it is the rule so kids will actually eat, so we had to take her to a different table so she could talk. After that we went to Alex's school and pulled him out early. He was really excited too. We went home to get Max and the twins and went to walmart for a min. Then the kids got home from school and it was out for ice cream and miniature golf. Then we went out for dinner. Super yummy. Not much time with the kids but it was nice. I played apples to apples with them, they are so silly. And Alex showed me the show wipe out....I was crying I was laughing so hard. We went to bed around 1 am and woke up at 5:30.
At 6:00 we said our goodbyes and we were off. We went to SC first...a bit confusing, especially when we had no real idea of what the route was just going by GPS. Then back into the corner of NC. Then I think it was TN where we stopped to look at Heather's OTHER house, then KY, a min in IN and then Il. In Illinois we just happened to stop in metropolis, where we found out is the home of superman. SO at like 10:00 pm we decide to hurry and find this giant statue of superman to pretend like we took our time and sight saw along the way when really we were booking it as fast as we could. So we end up in what looks like a really seedy part of town, taking a five min detour to take a few cheesy pics, as cars are FLYING through the ally by this statue...like they spotted the dumb tourists who decided to be there that late and they were gonna mug us or something. So we packed it up fast and got back to the task at hand...getting to Utah.
Then we hit MO. Well we hit it a few times I guess we kept going on the boarder. In St. Louis I had to stop for gas and bathroom really bad. So i get off the freeway. Only there are no gas stations. Just high rises and city buildings. So I finally find one and I can't pull back out of the parking lot fast enough. And what do I see across the street by a SUPER SEEDY building? A van that reads ST. LOUIS CITY PROJECTS. Wrong part of town to try to get gas. So we finally find a decent place a few miles up the road and get back to our travels.
Nebraska. Now this would have been a cool state to visit as I have a good friend who lives in Nebraska. If I would have known the GPS was taking us this way. So when we hit it, it is too late to try to figure where she lives or if it is close to where we are. I commend her for living there. It is desolate! We were on a road that was 50 miles with no inlets or "exits" or connecting roads. No houses, no trees, not even corn!!!! We had already been up for twenty four hours by this point, so we had to switch every hour because we were dying of boredom. There was a store or something that looked like a covered wagon (we didn't stop there, we were kinda tired of sight seeing by this point). There was a dinosaur, the wagon store, a water tower that looked like a hot air balloon, and a tee pee...all randomly placed within a few miles of each other. We also stopped at a gas station in these few miles that had a house made of sod, and a buffalo, horse, and Indian made of barb wire...these we did see since they were in the same parking lot. Then off for another however many hours. We spent a little over twelve hours in that state! Oh did I mention I got pulled over for swerving in my lane...he thought I was drunk. Heather leans over and says "It's not her truck, she isn't used to it, I was just sleeping and she is driving for me." the cop probably thought...I'm asking her...can she not speak for herself? haha....good times...no ticket. :)
We actually cheered when we hit WY. This was the last leg of the journey. On the boarder we saw a huge statue of Jesus. Again a whole lot of nothing, but at least there were rocks, houses, snow...stuff to look at. Plus, I knew we were almost to UT. After entering Utah and going down Parleys canyon, it was dark. Tons of truckers were passing us (doing 70 mph). This canyon road was seriously dark too. Well I get in the fast lane and pass some trucks. When all of a sudden the smallish car in front of me swerves as if to miss hitting something. So I and struggling to see what might be in the road, when me and heather see what looks like dust or small glass particles or something. Still trying to see what I am about to hit, out of nowhere the guy finally slams on his brakes and does a dead stop in the fast lane. I barely had enough time to swerve and miss him, praying there were no big rigs in the lane next to me. Not being able to feel my legs I just went straight off the exit that happened to be right there. I let the adrenaline calm down and called 911 to report the guy who hit something and was dead stopped in the fast lane. Praying he would not get hit by one of the trucks going over 70. I have no clue what happened to them. God was definitely watching over our travels though.
Finally we made it home about 11:30 or so. Not a min too soon. 44 hours straight with nothing more than a few hours of naps collectively throughout the trip was a little much. I spent a fun few days with heather, shopping and talking. Watching movies and dying hair....me red, her pink. It was definitely much needed sister time. I can't wait to see her this summer (hopefully, crossing fingers) I am going to miss her SO much!!!!! I can't believe she will be gone a whole four years. Hopefully when they get back they will live closer so I can have my turn to be the cool aunt!
So on very short notice, last Thursday, I flew to North Carolina. I was so excited. I made sure to wear my neoprene knee brace instead of the one with metal supports for faster security clearance. I get to the checkpoint and duh, forgot to take off my boots, and sweater. After I did the taking my boots off dance I walk through the metal detector. Beep Beep Beep..."Oh, maybe my necklace" I ask the guy. "Maybe" he says. I take it off and go again BEEP BEEP BEEP..."Mame anything in your pockets?" I flip them inside out to show fast nothing there..."A belt?" I tell him "no" Then, light bulb, I say "it can't be my knee brace could it?" Sure enough he says "it most definitely is, step to the side while I get someone to check you out" Great. So I stand to the side, my stuff waiting on the belt, hoping no one takes anything. The lady comes over checks my hair, my bra, my pant lining, my waistband, my socks, then asks "can you pull your jeans over your brace or do we need to go in the other room" Oh no...I'll get it....give me a min to pry it, I am NOT going in another room. So as I am pulling my pants up as hard as I can to expose the knee brace (slightly wishing I would have shaved my legs) she finally puts her fingers up and in to make sure I'm not toting anything in my knee...finally I am cleared.
I get to my gate and I patiently awaited my boarding zone. Finally, the last zone called was mine. I am slightly cheap so I decided to not pay to check my bag. I packed very light, a small bag with three to four days worth of clothes, and essentials, including a car DVD player for my ride. In my other bag "my purse" was my TK Primer book, my Bible, a few magazines, and some more essentials. I have mad packing skills so I crammed as much as I could in these two small bags. In my excitement of boarding the plane I didn't see how small this plane was....or notice the fact that my seat was THE LAST row! So scooting past in the smallest isle ever with my two slightly heavy and awkward bags, I hear myself saying "sorry" and "excuse me" about a hundred times. Finally, I get to my seat. Sweet an isle..whoo hoo. As I sit and buckle the older gentleman next to me goes to ask me something....I thought for sure he was gonna ask for the isle. "excuse me" he says, "would you possible be willing to switch with my wife so we may sit together?" I have seen this in movies, then I am stuck sitting in a very uncomfortable or awkward seat...."yes that's fine" I reply. I find her seat and sit by the window...yay (fake yay). They announce they are shutting the door...sweet I get the whole seat to myself. I stretch a leg but a hitch hiking flight attendant who must have been moody sits down and gives me "the look". BUT I feel good because I did something selfless and nice for someone else. SO after a ride in this dinky plane that sounded pretty worn, I arrive in Chicago.
Booking it to my next gate, I stop at the only place to grab a bite without a long line, pretzel bites. So I wait, and wait....finally last boarding zone called again. This time I am in one of the front rows yay. I go to flip my bags in the overhead (no seat in front of me) but to my surprise this plane, if possible, is smaller than the first. My bag, which as considerably smaller than A LOT of others, did not fit! Me still not wanting to check my bags, frantically trying to take stuff out of one and put in another before the flight attendant sees and makes me check it....finally I get it to SQUEEZE. So I feel pretty lucky to have an isle seat with a little leg room. The only thing is right where my leg space begins, the isle path does a slight slanted direction change so my feet are now past the yellow line ( without stretching them out) so instead of just telling me she gets on the intercom right in front of me and says "If your feet are past the yellow line please tuck them in" Yay, this will be comfy. So I try to slant them inward but they are now taking up the leg space designated for the rather large guy next to me. Then to my surprise, they actually had a cart small enough for the smallest isle I have now ever seen. As they start it seems fine till they come to my part here the isle veers to the right so now in the turbulence I am hoping they don't loose control or I will be smashed by this crappy drink cart. They say if you want a drink you must put your tray down. Yeah hi...I don't have one...oh wait, I do folded up in the arm of my seat. So I cleverly watch the guy next to me and follow. I pull it out unfold it....but the middle where it folds doesn't secure itself so it is just a floppy tray folding itself in half while kinda resting on my lap....good enough if it gets me a soda I guess. Anyway, we land I get my stuff and have to exit down the stairs onto the tarmac and back up some stairs inside.
Hobbling as fast as I can across the airport to my next gate taking a few escalators, and people movers....finally from B zone to E zone...E 18 is my gate (in Charlotte NC) I half run half limp off the people mover when someone says "hey get on" a guy with a golf cart. I tell him I think I'm real close it's ok. He asks where my gate is and he laughs and says "get on" so I do and he says " you still think it's close?" after a five min ride. He drops me off as they are starting to board. whew. Thank you NC airport cart driver guy. So I get on my last flight...again ALL the way in the very last row. AGAIN my stuff won't fit...like my planes went from little, to even smaller to world's smallest. This one actually scared me at take off and landing. The whole plane not only shook but jerked and knocked...thank goodness for seat belts. It didn't help the fact that there were two (that I saw) seats that had signs "out of order, do not sit" on them!
FINALLY Fayettville NC. I found Heather and we got to her house at about midnight, or one. We slept for a few hours and woke up to get ready and eat lunch with Elias at his school. He was so surprised. He was so happy to sit and talk and eat his lunch with Heather and I. He was even cool enough to give mom and aunt Kelly hugs in front of his friends :) Then we waited for Vanessa to have lunch. She too was super excited. Right when she walked in she started to talk to us, but the lunch Nazi came and told her she can't talk for ten min. Apparently it is the rule so kids will actually eat, so we had to take her to a different table so she could talk. After that we went to Alex's school and pulled him out early. He was really excited too. We went home to get Max and the twins and went to walmart for a min. Then the kids got home from school and it was out for ice cream and miniature golf. Then we went out for dinner. Super yummy. Not much time with the kids but it was nice. I played apples to apples with them, they are so silly. And Alex showed me the show wipe out....I was crying I was laughing so hard. We went to bed around 1 am and woke up at 5:30.
At 6:00 we said our goodbyes and we were off. We went to SC first...a bit confusing, especially when we had no real idea of what the route was just going by GPS. Then back into the corner of NC. Then I think it was TN where we stopped to look at Heather's OTHER house, then KY, a min in IN and then Il. In Illinois we just happened to stop in metropolis, where we found out is the home of superman. SO at like 10:00 pm we decide to hurry and find this giant statue of superman to pretend like we took our time and sight saw along the way when really we were booking it as fast as we could. So we end up in what looks like a really seedy part of town, taking a five min detour to take a few cheesy pics, as cars are FLYING through the ally by this statue...like they spotted the dumb tourists who decided to be there that late and they were gonna mug us or something. So we packed it up fast and got back to the task at hand...getting to Utah.
Then we hit MO. Well we hit it a few times I guess we kept going on the boarder. In St. Louis I had to stop for gas and bathroom really bad. So i get off the freeway. Only there are no gas stations. Just high rises and city buildings. So I finally find one and I can't pull back out of the parking lot fast enough. And what do I see across the street by a SUPER SEEDY building? A van that reads ST. LOUIS CITY PROJECTS. Wrong part of town to try to get gas. So we finally find a decent place a few miles up the road and get back to our travels.
Nebraska. Now this would have been a cool state to visit as I have a good friend who lives in Nebraska. If I would have known the GPS was taking us this way. So when we hit it, it is too late to try to figure where she lives or if it is close to where we are. I commend her for living there. It is desolate! We were on a road that was 50 miles with no inlets or "exits" or connecting roads. No houses, no trees, not even corn!!!! We had already been up for twenty four hours by this point, so we had to switch every hour because we were dying of boredom. There was a store or something that looked like a covered wagon (we didn't stop there, we were kinda tired of sight seeing by this point). There was a dinosaur, the wagon store, a water tower that looked like a hot air balloon, and a tee pee...all randomly placed within a few miles of each other. We also stopped at a gas station in these few miles that had a house made of sod, and a buffalo, horse, and Indian made of barb wire...these we did see since they were in the same parking lot. Then off for another however many hours. We spent a little over twelve hours in that state! Oh did I mention I got pulled over for swerving in my lane...he thought I was drunk. Heather leans over and says "It's not her truck, she isn't used to it, I was just sleeping and she is driving for me." the cop probably thought...I'm asking her...can she not speak for herself? haha....good times...no ticket. :)
We actually cheered when we hit WY. This was the last leg of the journey. On the boarder we saw a huge statue of Jesus. Again a whole lot of nothing, but at least there were rocks, houses, snow...stuff to look at. Plus, I knew we were almost to UT. After entering Utah and going down Parleys canyon, it was dark. Tons of truckers were passing us (doing 70 mph). This canyon road was seriously dark too. Well I get in the fast lane and pass some trucks. When all of a sudden the smallish car in front of me swerves as if to miss hitting something. So I and struggling to see what might be in the road, when me and heather see what looks like dust or small glass particles or something. Still trying to see what I am about to hit, out of nowhere the guy finally slams on his brakes and does a dead stop in the fast lane. I barely had enough time to swerve and miss him, praying there were no big rigs in the lane next to me. Not being able to feel my legs I just went straight off the exit that happened to be right there. I let the adrenaline calm down and called 911 to report the guy who hit something and was dead stopped in the fast lane. Praying he would not get hit by one of the trucks going over 70. I have no clue what happened to them. God was definitely watching over our travels though.
Finally we made it home about 11:30 or so. Not a min too soon. 44 hours straight with nothing more than a few hours of naps collectively throughout the trip was a little much. I spent a fun few days with heather, shopping and talking. Watching movies and dying hair....me red, her pink. It was definitely much needed sister time. I can't wait to see her this summer (hopefully, crossing fingers) I am going to miss her SO much!!!!! I can't believe she will be gone a whole four years. Hopefully when they get back they will live closer so I can have my turn to be the cool aunt!
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Jitters...
So my sister, Heather, is moving to Germany with her family. I have just recently (in the last few years) became really close to her. We are six years apart so she was grown up while I was growing up. So now we live on opposite sides of the country, but we are closer than ever. Calling each other every other day and promising to see each other at least once a year. She called me the other day asking me if we wanted to borrow their truck for their duration in Germany. Wow what a blessing! What trust! We can sell our car and save that money for another PAID IN FULL :)
So on the 17th I will fly out to North Carolina to see her and her wonderful family. Then, we will proceed to drive her truck to Utah together. That way we get some much needed sister time before she leaves. Road trip! Thema and Louise style....well with out all the drama, and breaking the law, and driving off a cliff stuff...but you get the point. I am so excited.
I told my work I would need the time off....but, they said no can do, so I guess they took it as my quitting. So on one hand I am super excited about seeing her and having an awesome trip with her. And saving money monthly as well....but on the other hand, I am kinda scared cause now I have no job. I am thinking crap what am I doing? How will I have the gas money if I don't have a job? But then I think, duh...I am making very little now, and for how much I save from the car, I will have to make half of what I did to make up for the lost job. Probably not too hard to find a job with a few hours a week. Plus, I saved the most important for last, GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES FOR US. when we least expect it.
I definitely have to go. I need to be able to see them all and say my goodbyes. I need this trip with her before she leaves to get a chance to spend some quality time with her before I don't see her for a few years. I know I am doing the right thing. I think I also need this for just me. I made a resume today that kicks butt. I feel pretty confident that I won't have any issues finding a new job that probably pays better. I love it when God gives me some confidence and reassurance.
Now I just have to get over not seeing AJ or Story for a few days :( NOT something I'm used to. I am used to being with BOTH of them every spare min I have. We left AJ home once when we went to California for three or four days and that was SO hard....now I have to be without Story too....man I am going to go through withdrawals.
So on the 17th I will fly out to North Carolina to see her and her wonderful family. Then, we will proceed to drive her truck to Utah together. That way we get some much needed sister time before she leaves. Road trip! Thema and Louise style....well with out all the drama, and breaking the law, and driving off a cliff stuff...but you get the point. I am so excited.
I told my work I would need the time off....but, they said no can do, so I guess they took it as my quitting. So on one hand I am super excited about seeing her and having an awesome trip with her. And saving money monthly as well....but on the other hand, I am kinda scared cause now I have no job. I am thinking crap what am I doing? How will I have the gas money if I don't have a job? But then I think, duh...I am making very little now, and for how much I save from the car, I will have to make half of what I did to make up for the lost job. Probably not too hard to find a job with a few hours a week. Plus, I saved the most important for last, GOD ALWAYS PROVIDES FOR US. when we least expect it.
I definitely have to go. I need to be able to see them all and say my goodbyes. I need this trip with her before she leaves to get a chance to spend some quality time with her before I don't see her for a few years. I know I am doing the right thing. I think I also need this for just me. I made a resume today that kicks butt. I feel pretty confident that I won't have any issues finding a new job that probably pays better. I love it when God gives me some confidence and reassurance.
Now I just have to get over not seeing AJ or Story for a few days :( NOT something I'm used to. I am used to being with BOTH of them every spare min I have. We left AJ home once when we went to California for three or four days and that was SO hard....now I have to be without Story too....man I am going to go through withdrawals.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Any easier?
I keep thinking (about every other day) that today is different, that somehow I am emotionally getting back to normal. When all of a sudden out of no where everything comes flooding back. I see babies EVERYWHERE!!!! Pregnant ladies EVERYWHERE!!!! You never notice how many are out there till you want one so bad. The smallest things set me off and I break down. I can't sleep and when I do, I have these horrible dreams. I find myself thinking horrible thoughts about others who are fortunate enough to have a baby, like they had any control over anything or even know what has happened to me. Then I cry because I'm not over any of this yet, then I cry more because I feel like such a horrible person for even thinking these things for a split second. Does it ever get better? Will I always wonder what could have been? If it was a boy or a girl? Why...what's the lesson? The list is never ending. All I can do is keep my faith and know that God is completely and utterly in control, and he knows what he is doing. I need to remember I am loved by the Father and this was in no way punishment or neglect. Trust in the Lord ALWAYS, and again, I say REJOICE. (as hard as it may be)
Friday, March 4, 2011
Trying to stay sane....
AHHHH! It's one of those days where my fuse is short and Story is not doing ANYTHING I ask. I think sometimes she knows when is the best day to push buttons and get reactions. I ask her to make her bed (ie just pull the covers up) something she has done many times but on this one day that I am trying to get stuff done and need her help she says "I can't" I ask her to put her shoes on her rack, again something she does everyday...again "I can't" I ask her to put book away...another daily thing and again "I can't"...the list of "I can't"s goes on...I am now so frustrated with the fact she is blatantly disobeying me I am refusing to just do the job myself to teach a lesson. The battle goes on all morning. The yelling from me, the screaming from her...tears, frustration on both ends. And then the guilt...she's three. So I just do the things for her and end it. Then I think did I just teach her she can not listen and as long as she holds out long enough she won't have to...or did I just do what any mom would do and treat her like a three year old and do it (forgetting the fact SHE does these chores semi-daily)?
So needless to say she is having quiet time and I am having a time out. Trying to stay sane and not totally loose it today. Good thing Fri is early day for AJ. Just a few more min and he'll be home to save the day, or go crazy with me. Either way it's better with someone else.
So needless to say she is having quiet time and I am having a time out. Trying to stay sane and not totally loose it today. Good thing Fri is early day for AJ. Just a few more min and he'll be home to save the day, or go crazy with me. Either way it's better with someone else.
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