thankful for rest

So after a ten hour shift my first day back, working till 11:45 pm and then working a 9 hr shift the next day at 7:00 am....then working again on Sun, closing alone....I was thankful when the new manager asked if I would like today off to rest! Ahhhh.....I was getting sooooooo tired, physically to mentally to emotionally drained.  I could barely hold a smile long enough to say have a nice day, I was screaming on the inside from pain...I was just about at my point of I can't do this anymore, when the blessing of an offer of rest came...not one half second too soon! So today thankfully Story indulged me :) we went downstairs and laid together on the couch...she watched PBS and I slept....till ten. Ah... sweet glorious sleep. All day has been lounging. I should do some house work...I think I will in a bit. We will go get our taxes done today. Another blessing, because when it rains, it pours. Things are looking up and I am at peace. The lord indeed is good...you just have to thank him for trials and hard times, see the positive, as hard as it is....and you will see the everyday presence of the lord almighty.

amazing

Missional community was awesome tonight. I know God is rocking me to my core. I am stronger now than I ever have been. I am glad I became stronger in faith before this week...I don't know if I could have handled it before. I have realized I now have a lot of people I trust and can lean on when times are hard. Before, all AJ and I had were each other...which is awesome we are amazingly close...but now we don't have to bear burdens alone.  We have people to pray for us and care for us. I am so glad I am learning faith...and trust. I truly trust God and his plans even if I don't know what they are yet. I know he loves us and in all of this there is a lesson to be learned and strength to be gained.

worst day of my life

So yesterday was the worst day of my life. Actually this has been the worst week. I went to the Dr. on Tuesday because I was bleeding badly and I am 8 weeks pregnant. The Dr said was in the process of having a miscarriage. Crying my eyes out I asked to have an ultrasound to prove this. Just wanting to see for myself. I went in for the ultrasound and...whew! A heart beat. I was then told I was "the luckiest girl in the world" and they were shocked to see everything was fine. Breathing a huge sigh of relief, I went home...

Only to have to go back on Thursday...more bleeding.  So I thought, okay, I'll go they will tell me everything is fine like the other day and all will be good. I go and the guy says nothing, takes a bunch of pics and calls the Dr. "sorry for the emotional roller coaster." he says.  "I'm so sorry, but there is no longer a heart beat and you are having a miscarriage for sure this time." My heart sank! I started weeping. We have been trying for nearly a year. I just heard it's little heart beating two days ago!

Then Story says why are you crying momma? I didn't know how to answer this anazingly hard question from my three year old daughter...who knew I was pregnant before I did.  All I could muster was a faint..."mommy's not gonna have a baby, Story." and she looked at me with eyes of understand and whispered "Oh. that's so sad."

I don't know if this was a test of faith...as many say I have faith you can do this Lord...but will you still if he doesn't do what you ask? I think this tragedy has made me closer to God, my husband and my church friends. sometimes we don't understand God's plan, but I know there is a reason behind all of this and I have to take my saddness and turn it to joy for God is working in my life and soon I may know the purpose of all this.